fantasies of clay

And I answered that I’m not living but surviving and, that I don’t like it because is nonsense. You told me that, since the summer is already here and everything goes idle in this country, that things are naturally how they are, but as soon as the holidays are gone, things will change for the better.

Well, I just said, the last three years I have been trying to find explanations, candy reasons to convince my self that “after all, tomorrow is another day” but things haven’t change at all, on the contrary they just have become worst and since time goes, I’m running nearer to a dead end. I’m in a suspended time with nowhere to go and I know for the facts that this is really the end.

You ask me if I haven’t think about the fact that almost everyone is just surviving ...well it can be true, of course, but, do I have to accept it? Do I have to continue like this? Is there a necessity in my case? I do not have any hope. I do not have future and nobody who will suffer if I disappear, so the answer is not what to do but, when.

shades of life

I remember standing there by the window early in the morning and just looking down. Everything seemed static, like wen you are in an insulated room; not any sound from outside, just the sounds coming from your inside
—your breathing, your pulse, and you are looking at an empty stage. The distance to the ground made the few people crossing the plaza, tiny little unknown shapes going somewhere. I felt the emptiness of a paused time. I knew that in a moment I’d go down to the streets and work with my camera and even when the silence will be gone and replaced with the noise of a busy city I'll be there behind and hidden by the camera lens not taken part of that life, just watching. I couldn’t move from the window, I couldn’t leave either the feeling of emptiness or not-belonging. I was there but it was just my body that had trapped me and didn’t let me free. Those shades and brittle structures down there, attracted me, invited me to be part of the nothingness...after some years that landscape disappeared, but not with me...

(photo: the plaza between the twin towers,
from my hotel room, new york, 1998)

counting down

The days are gone ...
(That’s what the first thought I had this morning)
The feeling of emptiness had gotten slowly into my heart again.

It is like veils of rain in a summer sunset
Beautiful to see but, you know that they will remind you,
sadness and loneliness.

They won’t become storm,
(They are almost like signs of joy: nature taking care of its garden)
But, they will carry to your mind those moments
When you have been just about of touching joy
But, never, never get there.

The days are gone and what reminds of them
it’s just empty images of what they could have been but weren’t.
Like many pieces of an uncompleted jigsaw
that will never fit together.

I can’t see new days coming.
I can’t see the colors of the rainbow.
Or the sunbeams coming through an open window.

The doors and windows are already closed
—I have lost the key to open them.

cinderella's shoe?

I told you how exiting is to fantasize when you are walking somewhere and you find unexpected things or things that don't belong there. Well, I was this morning on my way home from an early meeting and decided to walk instead of riding my bike when i suddenly saw this high heel lady shoe (I know that you're thinking know that it could be a transsexual's but i doubted because of the size, in sweden drag-queens are extremely tall, ordinary above 185 cm and with 46+ shoe size) and I started to build stories about how this could happen. The shoe wasn't old and today is monday and it seemed like someone had found and hanged it there to be found. But how can you just drop a shoe? Was it because the clock was announced the midnight? Well, hardly, those things don't happened anymore and never in Sweden. On the other hand, we live in a kingdom and there are a couple of princes ... uhm, too much of a fantasy. It was probably just a lady who had too much fun and was running to pick up a taxi home and the shoes were much too tight for having them on ... or, nicer to think that in the heat of the night she was having fun and dropping what she was wearing and just kept a drop of Chanel 5...

a glimpse of life

the sun shining palely at noon on a early spring day
i walk trying to see some signs of new life crawling up through
the died leaves fallen from still nude trees.
some tiny blue flower dare to look directly to the sun
but they tremble with the cold breeze from north
the new season is not yet here but a feeling of
a new life and hope is there growing from dirt
and a yellow shine makes me smile ...

february sunrise

Through my window this morning
so beautiful and quite though with traffic.

missing the colors of the spring

happy valentine's day

i'll be your mirror

I'll be your mirror
Reflect what you are, in case you don't know
I'll be the wind, the rain and the sunset
The light on your door to show that you're home

When you think the night has seen your mind
That inside you're twisted and unkind
Let me stand to show that you are blind
Please put down your hands
'Cause I see you

I find it hard to believe you don't know
The beauty you are
But if you don't let me be your eyes
A hand in your darkness, so you won't be afraid

When you think the night has seen your mind
That inside you're twisted and unkind
Let me stand to show that you are blind
Please put down your hands
'Cause I see you

I'll be your mirror
(reflect what you are)

Velvet Underground/Lyrics by Clem Snide
* click the title to listen

amanhã

Amanhã será um lindo dia,
Da mais louca alegria se possa imaginar
Amanhã. Redobra a força pra cima,
Que não cessa há de vingar
Amanhã mais nenhum mistério,
Acima do ilusório o astro vai brilhar
Amanhã a luminosidade alheia a qualquer vontade,
Há de imperar, há de se imperar
Amanhã está toda esperança,
Por menor que pareça, existe e é pra vicejar
Amanhã, a pesar de hoje,
Ser a estrada que surge pra si trilhar
Amanhã mesmo que uns não queiram,
Será de outros que esperam pelo dia maior
Amanhã ódios aplacados, terrores abrandados,
Será pleno, será pleno
(Guilherme Arantes / Caetano Veloso )

lets have a coffee

well i would like to have one with you.
we never had the time to visit magasin3
when you were here.
I had a caffè doppio there
and I thought of you of course.