November 30, 2007
November 27, 2007
November 26, 2007
I’m looking through my window and the sun shines in a cold day of November.
It’s past noon and the sun is already on its way to the set. Days are short and nights like a quite and dark line lying as a boundary that keeping us for doing anything else than sleep and wait. I think about these pictures I’ve designed for a calendar and why they become as they did. I think that I unconsciously wanted the time be as timeless as what the images were inspired of. Those frescoes reminding the Pompeian's that defy time and changes.
November 23, 2007
Not that I understood what a "wink" meant when I open my correspondence that day at a community where I have a profile, but I checked the profile of the guy that winked at me and I decided to answer to that. I just thanked him for the wink "especially because it came from such a handsome man". He wrote me back: “Hello, nice reading back from you. Can you tell me more about your relationship interest here?” and gave me his personal e-mail address.
My first reaction was estranged, because I had already had bad experiences from this and other gay communities with guys who don’t live in this country and especially if they are young, that see in me an opportunity to leave theirs countries.The “added value” is what is important if you try to break your loneliness and find a partner.
Never the less, back to the answer I wrote to my “wink” man.
I told him that it wasn’t easy to describe what you are looking for through e-mail or to someone you don’t know anything about. I usually answer when someone ask me who I am, that if I knew that I wouldn’t have need my therapist so far. And independent on what you want in your dreams, is only reality that decides if two people attract to each other. Anyhow, I wanted to tell him what I would like to find in a man. I wrote that I like a man for a long-term relation to share my life with, even when I have had bad experiences so far, as for instance the one I had three years ago when I found a man that I wanted to married but that “fairy tale” ended like an opera does: in a tragedy. He told me after a year and a half of our relation that he has found another man and that he wanted to take a pause from me for seeing where his new relation was heading! The time after that had been without any doubt one the most difficult I had ever had in my life. I told also to my "new friend" that now, after more than a year and what I learn of this episode; I feel my self-ready and open for a new attempt. I told him that I would like to find a man who I could trust and see as a partner; who has his own personality and independence. I don’t believe in relations in where you feel like the other is taking over your own identity. This is not my idea of love. You have not only to love the other but also, feel proud of and be happy that he is with you–and the other way around. You don’t need to create problems in your relationship but help each other to solve problems. To live in a relationship shouldn’t be a problem or a competition, but a shrine where you feel complete, accepted as you are and of course, understood.
November 20, 2007
But you can’t expect that anything like that would become reality, can you?
No, of course not. I’m pretty aware of that, and knowing this, doesn’t change the situation—it is like it is.
Why would I take it like anything else?
I have told you many times that I’ve taken him like a marvelous parenthesis in my gray and full of nonsense life. It is like when the children get the "saturday-sweets." They do know that they would get them only that day and that's it. They know that they are aloud to eat as much as they want to and everything that there is there—the whole package. They have the right to do so that day, but as the same time, they know that the amount they got will soon be over—even if you would like to get some more. And you’d better enjoy that moment with intensity, with your whole body and soul, drink to the last drop, because that wasn’t real life but a stolen time.