June 19, 2008

fantasies of clay

And I answered that I’m not living but surviving and, that I don’t like it because is nonsense. You told me that, since the summer is already here and everything goes idle in this country, that things are naturally how they are, but as soon as the holidays are gone, things will change for the better.

Well, I just said, the last three years I have been trying to find explanations, candy reasons to convince my self that “after all, tomorrow is another day” but things haven’t change at all, on the contrary they just have become worst and since time goes, I’m running nearer to a dead end. I’m in a suspended time with nowhere to go and I know for the facts that this is really the end.

You ask me if I haven’t think about the fact that almost everyone is just surviving ...well it can be true, of course, but, do I have to accept it? Do I have to continue like this? Is there a necessity in my case? I do not have any hope. I do not have future and nobody who will suffer if I disappear, so the answer is not what to do but, when.

June 17, 2008

shades of life

I remember standing there by the window early in the morning and just looking down. Everything seemed static, like wen you are in an insulated room; not any sound from outside, just the sounds coming from your inside
—your breathing, your pulse, and you are looking at an empty stage. The distance to the ground made the few people crossing the plaza, tiny little unknown shapes going somewhere. I felt the emptiness of a paused time. I knew that in a moment I’d go down to the streets and work with my camera and even when the silence will be gone and replaced with the noise of a busy city I'll be there behind and hidden by the camera lens not taken part of that life, just watching. I couldn’t move from the window, I couldn’t leave either the feeling of emptiness or not-belonging. I was there but it was just my body that had trapped me and didn’t let me free. Those shades and brittle structures down there, attracted me, invited me to be part of the nothingness...after some years that landscape disappeared, but not with me...

(photo: the plaza between the twin towers,
from my hotel room, new york, 1998)

June 14, 2008

counting down

The days are gone ...
(That’s what the first thought I had this morning)
The feeling of emptiness had gotten slowly into my heart again.

It is like veils of rain in a summer sunset
Beautiful to see but, you know that they will remind you,
sadness and loneliness.

They won’t become storm,
(They are almost like signs of joy: nature taking care of its garden)
But, they will carry to your mind those moments
When you have been just about of touching joy
But, never, never get there.

The days are gone and what reminds of them
it’s just empty images of what they could have been but weren’t.
Like many pieces of an uncompleted jigsaw
that will never fit together.

I can’t see new days coming.
I can’t see the colors of the rainbow.
Or the sunbeams coming through an open window.

The doors and windows are already closed
—I have lost the key to open them.